Our Human Hearts

You can't always control circumstances. However, you can always control your attitude, approach, and response. Your options are to complain or to look ahead and figure out how to make the situation better

Tony Dungy, Quiet Strength: The Principles, Practices & Priorities of a Winning Life

Summary of the book

Heartbreak, Healing & Self-Care, A Journey Through Grief” is an empowering book that offers a comprehensive roadmap for navigating the challenging journey of overcoming heartbreak as grief. Drawing upon psychological insights, practical strategies, and self-care techniques, this guide aims to support individuals in healing their emotional wounds and rebuilding their lives.

The book begins by exploring the nature of heartbreak as a form of grief, acknowledging the intense emotions and grief that accompany the end of a significant relationship resulting in loss. It explains the various stages of the healing process, providing a compassionate understanding of the rollercoaster of emotions experienced during this time.

One of the core aspects of the book focuses on self-care practices. It emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and offers a range of effective strategies to promote emotional well-being. From establishing healthy boundaries and nurturing self-esteem to engaging in mindfulness exercises and pursuing new hobbies, readers will discover an array of practical self-care techniques to aid their recovery.

The book also delves into the process of self-reflection and growth that can emerge from heartbreak. The concept of pain to purpose is also explored. By experiencing the pain of heartbreak and healing from it, a transformation of living a purposeful life unfolds. The concept encourages readers to explore their emotions, learn from the experience, and redefine their personal identity and goals. By reframing heartbreak as an opportunity for self-discovery and personal development, readers are empowered to find meaning and purpose in their healing journey.

Additionally, the book provides guidance on seeking support from friends, family, community or professionals. It emphasizes the importance of building a support network and offers insights into effective communication, boundary setting, and seeking professional help when needed. With practical tips and advice, readers are encouraged to reach out for support during their healing process.

“Heartbreak, Healing & Self-Care: A Journey Through Grief” is a comprehensive resource that supports individuals in navigating the complexities of heartbreak as a form of grief. It combines psychological insights of already proven models, practical strategies, and self-care techniques to empower readers in their journey toward healing, self-discovery, and ultimately, building a brighter future.

Alejandro

The Heartbreak

At 13. I left my country and I had to leave my mother behind in order to live in the U.S and not be subject to a communist country which was Cuba. She had to let me go. It was so hard, and I had to live with strangers. I didn’t see her until 15 years later.

Healing and Self-Care

It (my heart) healed with time but as I grew up and the sacrifice made and the pain that it caused were for good and that allowed me to be the person I am today and I reunited with my family. I had to be a citizen then fill documents and did all the proper immigration procedures to get them out. I came on a boat from Cuba just like the opening scene from the movie in Scarface. We were in sea for 14 hours and we were taken and dropped off from a bus. I moved in with an aunt but I never met them before. She wasn’t rich but she gave me stuff and asked for $200 a month. I started working at 13,14 years old. Delivering paper, doing hair, washing cars. It all taught me responsibility

Terra

The Heartbreak

My heart was broken in 1976. Playing on a basketball team I wanted to date a statician but I didn’t have the courage to ask her out. I would freeze when I saw her. One night I got drunk at a school dance and I asked her to dance with me. We eventually went to prom together but we were never boyfriend or girlfriend.
After graduation, I asked her to be my girlfriend but she said no because she was dating a sophomore in college and that broke my heart. I was angry for years because I didn’t know how to respond to hurt. As a man you’re not supposed to feel hurt. Anger is an easier emotion to claim because its physical and aggressive

Healing and Self-Care

Through a 12-step program and hearing one line from lyanla Vanzant. The line was Mastering Forgiveness. In Mastering Forgiveness, I was able to see that I was not forgiving completely, that certain resentments felt good to hold on to and I could not be free if I held on to it. I could not be free until I completely forgave and let go completely. That’s how I healed.” (Leimert Park, California)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

My heart was broken as a little girl. I was a collicky baby and cried all the time and didn’t bond well. When my brother came along. He became the center of my mom’s attention. I felt abandoned and it affected me. I thought I always had to be perfect. I was always felt negated for something.
I remember when I graduated with my bachelor’s and I called up my mom and told her and I was excited about it. She said that’s great but many years too late. That’s the kind of stuff I grew up with.
From 18-35 years old, I was lost with eating disorders, alcohol and meth. Meth took me down. I stuffed a lot of feelings down. I should have died many times but God kept me alive I believe because he was going to use me later

Healing and Self-Care

I came to a treatment facility and I did 2 1/2 years for the first 3 steps and I went out one night. That was my Spiritual awakening because I got drunk and end up knocking on trailer park doors looking for meth but I woke up at my sponsors house.
I had to make the decision, sobriety and family or jails, institution, or death. One night and boom, I went back where I left from. I had a black out. I made my choice and gave it to God.
God began opening doors. I went to Cerritos college with my kids in day care. I was a mom until I was 47. I went back to get my bachelor’s and masters in psychology at Antioch University. When I graduated with my masters, I did my internship as a therapist for 3 years.
This woman, my old boss said to open a youth facility and I did. I loved the adolescents. Then they asked me to open another facility in Whittier and I opened that one.
I started at this treatment facility in 1990. I decided to visit one day to say hi and the director was leaving and she wanted a replacement. I said I could do it and I was called in for an interview and 3-4 days later, they hired me. When God closes one door, he opens another.

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

I’d say in 1996 when my mom passed away and I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. And I wasn’t there when she passed away. A lot had to do with how I opened up to my brother that when my Mom is dying to tell me so I could be there on her death bed. He said he would but he didn’t. So I didn’t say good bye to her when she died because I was away at school. There were trust issues because he failed to tell me that she was dying. It still hurts when I think about it

Healing and Self-Care

It took me years because that’s something you can’t make right. You can’t change it. But I had to come to the realization that I had a lifetime with my Mommie and a moment of good bye isn’t as meaningful as a lifetime’s worth. With my brother, I had to let it go but I had enough strength to tell him how much that hurt. And I still love him, even with all his faults.” (Belmont, Victoria, Australia)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

“When I lost my Mom ten years ago.”

Healing and Self-Care

“Well, ya know, hurt people hurt people. I had a lot of anger and feelings and I took it out on people. But once I asked God to forgive me for the wrong I did. It was better. God’s the only one that can Heal a broken Heart.” (Hollywood, CA)

Ray

The Heartbreak

I can name two occasions that affected me badly as a kid and as an adult. With regards to my parents. My dad was involved in both incidents.
My dad was a violent alcoholic. He would beat up my mom after drinking. You never knew what would happen when he came home but we knew something would happen.
What struck me was when, one Christmas, he got drunk and knocked over the Christmas tree. He held a knife to my mom’s throat. All I could do is watch and cry. That was really traumatic for me. My mom was crying and he was calling her all kinds of names. So there was never any love between them.
The other was after my Mom and Dad split up. My brothers and sisters went to visit him, I don’t know why, he got a new wife but never really changed. He got drunk one night and he put us on a bus and sent us home. That hurt a lot.

I guess he had enough of us. All because of drinking. He was such a mean person. I think he knew I was gay so he picked up on it because he treated me differently. He built a brand new bike for my sister and bought my brother a new bike but he gave me an old one. I always felt he didn’t like me. Between all that, my self-esteem and trust was really bad. I was a closed book because of all those things that happened to me.
I said I would never be like my dad and I wasn’t. But one time, my mom found out my sister was gay and my mom hit her and called her names and I backed up my Mom, even deep down, I knew I was gay. I never want to do that again

Healing and Self-Care

Well, after I tried to commit suicide because I couldn’t handle being like that but how I healed or started to take care of myself is to see a therapist. Little by little, I started to learn how to feel.
I remember when the therapist ask me how I felt, I didn’t know. I couldn’t express myself. I was an empty shell inside. I saw the therapist more and other therapist and I finally came to terms that I was gay. I joined a coming out group and that helped me to love myself and let people know more about me. I was so shut down. If someone liked me, I ran.
I started meeting more gay people. I would party more. But after deciding to let go of that lifestyle I admitted to my therapist I had problems with drugs. I finally told the truth. Then I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. I started listening, I saw hope in life and saw that I could see a different life for myself. That was the start to my change. I became a better person inside. I never liked who I was, but I like myself more than I ever have now

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

When was my Heart not broken? ha ha ha…. (pause) I think when I was really sad was when my friend was dying of cancer. I felt so helpless that I couldn’t do anything. Then she died

Healing and Self-Care

Hmmm… I Don’t know if it will ever heal with stuff like this. But I’m still living and I treasure the memory of her and she will always stay in my Heart.” (Hollywood, CA)

Hector

The Heartbreak

When my girlfriend passed away from a car accident. It was in 2002. She was killed by a drunk driver three days before we were going to get married

Healing and Self-Care

I’m healing every day and it takes time, a lot of time. It helped to have my two girls because they helped me through it.” (Alhambra, CA)

Laura

The Heartbreak

I was 4 almost 5 and I was living with my grandparents since I was born. My grandfather was my primary caregiver. My mom got married and for some reason decided that she wanted me to live with her after all those years. I was holding on to the drawers and things because it was so painful to leave my grandparents. My step dad turned our to be an abusive man. It was heartbreaking to leave a place where I was safe. They put me in a room and it felt like a punishment. It was heartbreaking to leave my grandparent’s home. My grandfather would come and have lunch with me at school. Every night he would come over and sleep on the floor next to my bed. I would leave and walk back to their house if he wasn’t there. I didn’t want to live with these two people I didn’t know. It was horrible and devastating

Healing and Self-Care

The healing process was ironic. When I got into recovery. The person who was my protector also molested me. The healing came in recovery. Even though he molested me, it was more devastating to be in a house of strangers who were rageaholics and abusers.
The molestation was bad but in recovery, I accepted that and moved past it. I had to embrace the love that I had in that household from my grandfather and my grandmother. He taught me skills and how to laugh, how to farm. My grandmother taught me how to cook, crochet and the idea of family togetherness.
When I remember them I remember kindness and walking and talking and enjoying each others company as a family. My grandmother could bake anything. Cooking heals anything and they gave me a lot of love.” (Santa Paula, California)

Lisa

The Heartbreak

My heart was first broken when I was 12 years old when my mother took her own life. I felt like my heart was truly broken then. It was a painful experience that I never thought I would recovery from

Healing and Self-Care

It was a long period where I realize the only way to heal from it is to walk through it. I went through an 8-week program called Survivors after Suicide. Even though I was older, the experience felt like it happened as if it were yesterday.

The best way to heal was to start taking care of myself. They say it takes a village to raise a child, I was able to develop a large village of people who were able to love me and teach me how to love myself. What was once a gaping wound is now a scar over my heart.

And I would say a small scar because it’s not that big anymore.” (Sherman Oaks, California)

Chris

The Heartbreak

I remember when I had this relationship from 19-23 years old. Then he broke up with me unexpectedly. I was a young country boy who thought everyone stays together till the end. I was naive. I was so so hurt and didn’t think I can heal from it

Healing and Self-Care

I had a flat mate who was 19 years old and I thought she was like a young girl . But she said to me that I don’t have to feel bad, that I can heal and move on. When she said that, I allowed myself to observe how I was feeling and I let time move on and it actually got better. Ten years later, I told her how much that meant to me, especially when I thought of her as a kid. But she was actually pretty mature.” (Sydney, New South Wales, Australia)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

When I was a baby my parents were shot dead and later I found out my family members did it. From 7 to 15 years old, I was so angry and resentful. I wanted to get even. When I was 15, I came to Australia and found out my uncle is living here. He tried to see us and explain to us what happened. He said it wasn’t him and he wasn’t involved. My dad was a trustee and wasn’t giving money to the family. The family money was in the hands of my parents. Basically, he tried to control everyone

Healing and Self-Care

I had to understand the situation. I had to go through what happened step through step. It untangled the chemicals in the brain and the heart. It took me time because I was in shock about the story. At least a year with anxiety. For 7 years, it was more complicated than what people told me growing up. To heal, you must go to the heart of the story to understand it.” (Melbourne, Australia)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

Heartbreak means you had love then it was gone. Every Heart break entails love in some form or another. It simply means, I’ve had one and I lost it

Healing and Self-Care

Nothing heals. You have good people in your life and they leave for no particular reason. Sometimes, they just die. Nothing more. ” (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

When my ex-wife and I divorced. I really loved her but I couldn’t be with her as a gay man

Healing and Self-Care

Time and a little bit of therapy but mostly time. We never got into a fight and it was never a bad thing. But one thing I can say is be willing to grow up enough to learn how to let go.” (Sydney, New South Wales, Australia)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

When my husband left so the bills were left up to me and I had four kids. I didn’t know about property taxes or filing taxes and I had to keep my two jobs and pay the bills. I had to understand more than I knew. I also had IRS problems but that wasn’t too bad because I had a lot of tax deductions. Then the side of the house fell during an earthquake and I had to have that retaining wall fix while working my two jobs at night as an Intensive care nurse. The heartbreak was dealing with all that and not understanding all those things and having to work overtime and sleeping only 2 hours sometimes. I didn’t have spousal support to help me take care of the kids, the house or to have someone to lean on

Healing and Self-Care

I had to learn a lot and pray a lot. My faith gave me the courage. I also had some good friends I could talk to. In the end, I knew I could do it. What I was doing was paying off debts while my kids were going to school and helping them out. After I learned that, I could not have had the confidence I have now if I didn’t go through that whole process. At the time, I was younger with a lot of energy. Now as I’m older, I have the experience and it guides me and it compensates for my lack of physical agility now. Before I could go with less hours of sleep but now I need sleep so I can think more and focus. I move slower now but it was all worth it! Old people who have a lot of experience, have more options. The more you know the more options you have. I forgave my husband a long time ago and when you love your children, your love overflows and that’s all that matters.” (Los Feliz, California)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

April 1, 2010. When my husband, at the time, text me after 21 years of marriage that we should go our separate ways. Not only was I heartbroken but I felt I sacrificed my youth for him and his family and he walked out of my life without any reason what so ever. I took care of his mother for 24 years. I sacrificed my career so he can advance his career. I took care of the family. I brought him to the U.S. After all that, that didn’t mean anything to him. After his mother died, he walked out. It’s like someone literally died and you go through a mourning process. It was all text messages, then the lawyers and that was it. He broke my heart

Healing and Self-Care

It was very difficult. I was a wreck! If I was at home, I would cry every night. I worked a lot and got a second job to keep me busy. Just this year, it took me four years to get on with my life especially when I heard he got married. I kept myself busy by going to work and taking care of myself.

I Iooked at the things I did and what happened. Maybe God had a different path for me. Maybe God was saving me from something later on in that marriage. Maybe there is something out there, better for me.

I bought a house and did things to make my life better and to heal. I finally came to terms and accepted it. I can’t hold on to something that I don’t have. If he didn’t appreciate me, that’s his lost. I appreciate me!

Finally, I met Taufiq through a friend and we talked for a month and dated. We’re engaged now. My friend said not everyone is like my ex husband. Taufiq literally loves me and adores me. He sends me cards and says beautiful things to me. He hugs me. He’s very affectionate. He does all the things I lacked in my last relationship. Things I really wanted and needed. ” (Burbank, California”)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

“I think when I was 8 years old when I realized I was gay. All my dreams about life and my future and my relationships were crushed. They were my fantasies. I grew up in a Catholic, Italian family and I wouldn’t have a wife and children like everyone else. I wouldn’t have the possibilities of a family, a happy life, a future because I wouldn’t have what everyone else had. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I left myself and I gave up on myself at 8 years old.”

Healing and Self-Care

When I was 49 years old and high on crystal meth, I was driving on a road in Chicago. I heard Byron Katie on a tape called Loving What Is and she said that the universe was perfect and everything is as it should be. I was so high and up for days when I heard that, I couldn’t understand how that statement can be true in my life and I started crying because my life was a mess.

If the universe is perfect and everything is as it should be then I’m supposed to be here high as a kite and be HIV positive. I then realized I’ve been running all my life. I stopped the car and played the tape again. If the universe is perfect and everything is as it should be. Then I realized I’m supposed to be gay. I had abandoned myself at 8 years old because I thought I was supposed to be something different than I was.

When I accepted the universe as perfect and it is exactly what it should be, I began to heal because I accepted who I was. That was the beginning of my recovery.” (Hollywood, California)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

Walking back from school, I was tripped and called infidel at age 7. Kids from the Muslim religion called me names and threw rocks at me because I was a Christian. Living in an Islamic nation, I was forced to read the Koran. My Mom taught me to forgive and pray for them and still treat them with love. But the Hurt was still there, and it was great as a child and as an adult for many years

Healing and Self-Care

As an adult I chose to stand up for my belief and faith. As well as honor the people who were persecuted for their faith and for being Christian in the world by making a proclamation and say that I’m not ashamed to be a Christian and revealing my faith. You can get stabbed or punched if a Muslim sees your mark just by holding on to a handrail or turning a knob and they see your tattoo.

The healing happened when I began to live and accept them for who they are. I can show love and acceptance because of my faith despite that they did not show the same love and acceptance towards me.

It’s healing when I know my God and Jesus died for me as well as them.” (Anaheim, California)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

So I met this girl at my sister’s birthday party in 2011. I was living in Michigan at the time but she was living here in California. I hadn’t dated anyone in five years so I was instantly absorbed in that. I asked if she was ready for a relationship and she was. We dated for 3 months. I quit my job and moved to California. We saw each other everyday and there was a lot of enmeshment.

By six months, she moved in with me. So I was really enthralled by her and my work. I purchased a house and tried to make a nest for us. We were together for 2 years. I found out she was cheating on me at a family dinner party. I thought we had something unique but she betrayed that and I had a lot of stuff to heal

Healing and Self-Care

Everyday since then, I was in my addiction. My therapist had given me a challenge which was to go to a 12-step meeting and to stay sober from my addiction for 30 days. I was working with my therapist and went to another meeting. The meetings provided a place where I can relate to and hear similar stories of mine and that was healing.

I’m much more aware of my own feelings and my own actions. I’m starting to take care of myself that I’ve never had before and I’m started to Heal. So I’m getting there. Progress not perfection.” (Sherman Oaks, California)

John

The Heartbreak

When my mom died. She had lung cancer and she fought for five years. She wanted to live and she did everything she could. She came to LA and got her lungs removed. She lost the battle and that broke my heart

Healing and Self-Care

I just got out of bed everyday and went to work. Talked to people and journaled. It took a year before I felt like myself again. It just takes time. I was proud of her courage and how hard she fought for her life. Till this day I pick up the phone and still want to call her. I love her and miss her.” (West Hollywood, California)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

There’s been so many. (Laughs) A women that I had a brief affair with that ended badly, tells me she was pregnant. I know I wasn’t the only guy she’d been sleeping with. She got pregnant in February. I saw her last in July. I helped her out with money. She had the baby. I told her if it’s mine to please, please let me know. She didn’t. Three months later, she tells me she wasn’t honest with me and told me the baby looks like me. I was told the baby was in Family Dependency Court now because the mom was so crazy. I went to court and I saw a pic of the baby and the baby looked just like me. The social worker allowed me to see the baby. The social worker thought the baby was mine too. I held that baby in my arms and took pics, sent it out and my own cousin said that baby looks like me too. Everyone said the baby looked like me. I had a DNA test and the baby wasn’t mine. Right then and there, it felt like it was a miscarriage as if the baby was really mine. In the end, the baby went back to the mother’s family. I was willing to adopt her but one of the family members got her. It’s been a long process. I wanted to get a second DNA test done just to make sure. But I can’t do it without the mother’s help. The mother lives in lancaster with a criminal that has a rap sheet the size of my arm. I think her drug of choice is crack. I wanted two things in my life. An education which I never had but I took care of that now with a BA and a Masters degree. The other was a family and I can’t seem to just get that right!”

Healing and Self-Care

I had to just let it go. That’s the hard part. There are times where I have to say this is not my fight. I need to trust that that child was not mine. If she was, I’d be fighting for her hell and back. I have to have faith! This experience brought to me, front and center, that not having a family is missing in my life! I’m never gonna get where I want to go in life if I keep looking for hedonistic relationships. I need to find more in a relationship for a lasting connection. I can’t be having relationships with inappropriate women. I want to be with someone who also wants a child. Who wants a family! This is about acceptance. The results are whatever they are and acceptance is a process. Not an over night thing. But I’m not willing to give up on the concept of a family at my age. I have enough evidence in my life that there is a God. I’m not mad at the big Yaweh in the sky. If I keep on going and do what I need to do in life, there’s a peace. If I stray off that, there’s chaos. There is something greater that is guiding me out there. I have to trust in that. (Los Angeles, California)

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

In the summer, all the kids on the block would play hide and seek. When I was 8, I was touched by one of the boys on our block. When I told my mom, she didn’t believe me. She called me stupid and to go out and play with the same group of kids. At that point I felt abandoned and I internalized that to mean I could trust no one. If my mother didn’t believe me and my brothers wouldn’t protect me who would? Several years later, it happened again. This time, by someone much closer to the family. Needless to say I didn’t want to tell anyone because I would be called stupid again. I felt tainted and worthless.

I was probably around 13 when I started drinking and dropped out of school in the 8th grade. I quickly developed a penchant for alcohol and illicit substances. That road lead me to a life of struggle and pain for the next 27 years. A life filled of sexual and physical abuse and blamed myself because of my drinking and drug use. I felt it was my fault and it added to my low self-esteem.

I had my first child at age 19. I met a man that made me feel wonderful. I was in love but this only lead to more physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I left him after several years but not before having 3 more children.

Now a single mother of 4, I found myself on welfare and living on section 8. Finding myself dealing with addiction and the overwhelming weight of responsibilities; feeding my kids, paying the bills, buying school clothes, etc

Healing and Self-Care

The healing process has been a long one, but well worth it. My children have always been my drive. They are the air that I breathe. Even in my addiction and pain I did everything I could so that my children would not follow in my footsteps. Because of my children, I made the decision to go into treatment and got clean. I intellectually knew God had been watching over me and my children all those years. With Him I could not be but I was still very angry at my mother and that seeped out into various areas of my life.

I learned to trust in God and with the support of my husband now, I came to experience true unconditional love. Through therapy I was able to forgive my mother and I was able to understand that she did the best she could with the information she had. Having hated her most of life, I now had true respect and love for her. How can I judge her without judging myself? I was able to see all she tried to do for me during those years.

I felt better about myself and I went back to school. I have a bachelor’s degree in business and a master’s degree in psychology now. I’m an Operations Manager for a large organization that helps people who experienced similar situations that I have.

Life is good now. I married the man that showed me how to love unconditionally and I have a relationship with all my children. God is amazing. Though the relationship with my eldest has not come easy, we are healed. Most if not all of my children have forgiven me for the mistakes of the past but must important, I have forgiven myself.

Anonymous

The Heartbreak

My heart was broken when I was 21. I told my mom that I was molested by her second husband. She ignored it and said I should have covered my body more.

Growing up, I looked up to my mom and I tried my best to do good by her. She grew up in a cotton plantation in 1946. She can remember being in a court room and she was awarded to her father and raised in a cotton plantation in the Florida keys from 6 to 9 years old. When she was little, my mom remembers seeing a guy poison all the animals in the barn. She can remember seeing the animals slowly dying. Their legs were slowly lifting up. Her grandfather prayed for hours that night. The men who did it ruined their livelihood. It was about competition. She had to go back to her alcoholic mother. But the two men were caught by my grandfather. She never spoke about that event or ever dealt with it. Even now, she talks like a little girl.

My mom had a lot of rage and anger within her. She would say a lot of things that hurt me like my eyes were evil. I stopped talking to my mom. I didn’t spend holidays with her because I would break down in tears. I wanted to commit suicide several times

Healing and Self-Care

“I found Nichiren Buddhism. We are encouraged to chant ‘nam myoho renge kyo’. We chant for people who break our hearts. I chanted for my Mom. I did that and a lot of 12 step work for many years.

After chanting for several years and doing 12 step work, my Mom called me and wanted to give me a gift which was a blanket. I made the determination that I would give that gift to a Jewish home. I was raised muslim before I became a Buddhist. When I got the blanket, it was beautiful and new and comfortable and it had my name on it. That blanket was healing for me. It was a symbol of a hug from my Mom. I love hugging my mom now.

Now my mom is older and has memory loss. I’m staying with her and using my Buddhist practice and 12 step work to deal with my mom. I look at my mom now and I see this little girl who needed to take care of herself. I can be of service to help my mom. But she also has a higher power of her own. Looking back, I realized my Mom was mentally ill. I knew she was ill because of the anger & resentment within her. Just by experience, People who have so much anger & rage deal with a lot of unresolved conflicts within themselves.

I have to say I’m at peace now with her and myself. Thats the beauty of this practice. It doesn’t mean I don’t get angry or frustrated. I look in the mirror and see my mom but I also see God which is really the power and the order of the Universe. I love who I am today. I love that person in the mirror. Her cellulite and cigarette smoking. (Laughs).” (El Sereno, California)

Jessica

The Heartbreak

I was 24 years old. I didn’t see it coming. There were no signs of cheating but I confronted him and he admitted it and it was broken that day.”

Healing and Self-Care

It didn’t heal overnight. It took a long time but with the help of friends & family, I learned to let go & allowed myself to feel everything I needed to feel & gave myself that time. Its definitely a process but I’m good now because I met my husband.” (Alhambra, CA)

Daron

The Heartbreak

The day the kid that I was going to adopt who I thought was going to be mine was taken into foster care. It was worse when he was taken from me than when my mother took her own life and was taken from me. I’ve experienced abandonment on both ends. He was taken into foster care because his mom was violent. I couldn’t help him because I had no rights. I had to get a restraining order from his violent mom. I was going to raise him to play football for my college. I was going to raise him to be a man. All of that was ripped from me. Till this day, I don’t know where he is. There’s nothing I can do.”

Healing and Self-Care

I’m still working on making peace with it. I haven’t healed. I met someone whose special to me who introduced the concept of “living amends”. Helping other people and especially kids through other alternatives, like setting up a trust fund for him or becoming a foster dad to a kid in need. I hope by doing that, it can help heal the void that was left.” (Los Angeles, California)

Michael

The Heartbreak

1984. I had a bad alcohol and drug problem. In 1981, I got clean and sober. I moved to LA to take a job. Went to a gay AA meeting at a club house known as the AT Center. When I was there, I was 6 months sober, there was a guy I met there who was very comical who said he was 3 or 4 months sober. We became best friends. We went to meetings together and we were basically attached to the hip. When I had 2 years sobriety, we went out to lunch one time and he told me he tested positive for HIV. In the early 80’s, having AIDS was a death sentence, which it eventually was for him. He moved to his sister’s house and was bed ridden. Had to take baths in ice water. I remember he was so thrilled the day he got a portable toilet. That meant he didn’t have to walk to the bathroom. When I visited to say my last goodbye, he told me the song he wanted to play in his memorial and I collapsed in the hallway, crying. I don’t think I could love someone as much as I loved him. He died 2 days later. I had his song played on a friends guitar at his memorial. All of a sudden I didn’t have my best friend anymore and I felt like an outsider in my own life

Healing and Self-Care

I had the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and at the time, I was Executive Director of the Van Ness Recovery House. The AA program saved my life because I worked it. I developed new friendships and got the support I needed and provided to others the message and the gifts that were given to me. I healed through the AA way of life. I went to a life and death transition workshop with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who explained the five stages of grief which helped me to deal with Glenn’s death. I put my time and energy in building the Van Ness House. The Van Ness House was the only alcohol and drug treatment facility for the LGBT community at the time. I went back to school to get my masters in marriage and family therapy to make myself a better practitioner in my quest to help others. I’ve enjoyed 32 years clean and sober! And I still think about Glenn. (Alhambra, California)